Dear Apple, Google, and Meta: Let’s Catch Criminals Together, Shall We?

So, picture this: you’re scrolling through LinkedIn, minding your business, endorsing your colleague for “Strategic Synergy Wizardry” or some other corporate nonsense when—bam! You stumble upon a post by yours truly. It’s not your usual “I am thrilled to announce…” humblebrag or yet another #MotivationalMonday meme. No, no. I’m here to start a revolution involving Apple, Google, Meta, and a little thing called artificial intelligence (A.I.).

Let me explain.

Step 1: Understand My Master Plan

I’m on LinkedIn, fully decked out with my AI-powered resume, connected to every department you can imagine—from Data Science and Cybersecurity to H.R. and the secret “We Know Everything About You” division. My connections run deep, like the WiFi signals Apple, Google, and Meta use to track your every movement. (Come on, you didn’t think “Find My iPhone” was just for you, did you?) And now, I’ve got an idea that could change the game: Let’s convince these tech giants to use all their historical data on users to catch the real bad guys. No, not the guy who’s still using an iPhone 6. I mean the *real* bad guys. Criminals. Scammers. That dude who keeps saying, "Let’s circle back on that," with no intention of circling anywhere.

Step 2: Appeal to Their Sense of Justice (and Data)

Apple, Google, Meta—hear me out. You’ve already mastered the art of surveillance... I mean, "data collection." You know everything about everyone. You know what we eat, where we sleep, who we text at 3 a.m. when we’re lonely and sad. You’ve got our emails, search histories, photos, and that one time we accidentally Googled “how to cook cereal.” You’ve got it all. So, why not use that treasure trove of information for good? Instead of just bombarding us with eerily targeted ads for stuff we talked about in the privacy of our homes (seriously, who told you I wanted orthopedic shoes?), how about we go full superhero mode? Let’s catch criminals! Imagine the press release: “Apple, Google, and Meta Join Forces to Save the World (One Data Point at a Time).” Suddenly, all those privacy concerns people have been shouting about will seem like trivial background noise. Who cares if you know what I had for breakfast when you’re out there stopping cyber criminals from phishing Grandma’s savings?

Step 3: Showcase the Power of LinkedIn Networking

Thanks to my LinkedIn connections (which, if you must know, span all departments and locations—world domination plans pending), I’m in the perfect position to make this pitch. I’ve connected with engineers, marketers, and that one guy who’s been in “business development” for five years but still isn’t quite sure what he’s developing. Together, we can create the ultimate task force. I’ll send out some strategic messages: “Hey, Google Ads Department, I see you’re great at following people around the internet. What if we used that for catching criminals instead of selling them socks?” Or, “Dear Apple Maps team, remember that time you directed me into a lake? Well, how about we steer criminals right into justice instead?”

Step 4: Address the Concerns (A.K.A. The “But Privacy!” People)

Now, I hear some of you shouting, “But what about privacy?! This is a slippery slope!” And to that, I say it’s not a slippery slope if you wear those non-slip socks that Amazon keeps recommending after you visit that podiatrist’s website. (See? The algorithms work!) Besides, who’s worried about privacy anymore? We gave that up when we sent each other voice notes about our deepest insecurities over Facebook Messenger. If the trade-off is catching some bad guys while maybe, just maybe, receiving a few more ads for things I’d already considered buying, I’d call that a win-win.

Step 5: Make It Fun—We Can Gamify It!

And here’s the kicker: Let’s gamify it! Everyone loves a good game. Imagine a real-life version of “Carmen Sandiego,” but instead of asking, “Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?” we ask, “Where in the world is that dude who hacked into my Aunt Linda’s email and now she keeps sending me links to ‘miracle diet pills’?” We could call it "Where in the World is That Annoying Scammer?"—an augmented reality app powered by, you guessed it, data from Apple, Google, and Meta. Points for every crime foiled. Badges for major takedowns. Leaderboards for cities with the most criminal activity thwarted. And the ultimate prize? Free Apple T.V. for a year and a subscription to Google’s “We Promise We’re Not Listening” service.

Step 6: Prepare for Opposition

Of course, there’ll be some resistance. Privacy advocates will form committees. Governments will hold hearings. Mark Zuckerberg will blink awkwardly at several of them. But in the end, people will come around when it’s all said and done. Especially when they realize that my AI-fueled plan is not just a solution to crime—it’s also a great way to get rid of those annoying robocalls finally.

Conclusion: Join Me, or At Least Endorse Me on LinkedIn

So, here’s the call to action, my fellow LinkedIn warriors and A.I. enthusiasts: Connect with me, endorse my “Artificial Intelligence For Crime-Fighting” skills, and let’s tag Apple, Google, and Meta in the comments below. Let them know we’re onto something big. We can build a safer, more connected world—one creepy data point at a time. And if nothing else, we’ll at least get some hilarious comments and a few more random invites from recruiters who swear we’re the “perfect fit” for a role we’ve never heard of. Now, go forth and network as if your data depends on it. Because, let's be honest—it probably does.