Fixing Big Pharma Media
If you’re anything resembling me, you’ve probably found yourself yelling at your TV, “That’s not how it happened!” or “Who wrote this nonsense?” more times than you’d care to admit. The news media was supposed to keep us informed, but it seemed more focused on making everything sound terrifying or written by a soap opera scriptwriter on a three-day caffeine binge. After watching one too many news segments about "killer hornets," "murderous lettuce," and "the hidden dangers of breathing air," I decided that enough was enough. If the media couldn’t get its act together, it was time for me to step in.
Step 1: Developing a Plan
My plan was simple: connect with television producers and convince them to shift the narratives. Stop feeding us the gloom and doom! Stop treating every sneeze as the beginning of the apocalypse! Maybe inject a bit of authenticity into the programming. How hard could it be? Now, I’m just a regular person with an average job title—no journalism degree, no insider connections. My most professional experience with media was when I accidentally started a group chat with 73 people to discuss a local pothole. But that wasn't going to stop me. If people could convince producers to air shows about duck hunters and pawn shop owners, surely I could get them to tone down the fear-mongering.
Step 2: Making Contact
So, I took to LinkedIn, the world’s premier social network, to pretend you have your life together. I crafted messages that were both compelling and completely unhinged. Something along the lines of:
"Dear TV Producer, I see you’re in the business of creating riveting television that scares the pants off viewers. What if you heard me out and didn’t? What if we made people laugh, learn, and feel less as if the world is ending every time they tune in? Call me."
Then, I waited. And waited. And waited some more. Turns out, most TV producers don’t respond well to messages that sound as if they were written in a fever dream. But then, *finally*, I got a response from someone who worked on a popular morning show. It said, “Please stop messaging me.” Not exactly what I was hoping for, but it was progress! I mean, I was on their radar now.
Step 3: Breaking Through the Noise
With my foot in the door—or at least my toe—I needed to double down. I started studying television as a college student cramming for finals. I watched every type of show imaginable: from hard-hitting news programs to reality TV where people tried to find love while covered in bees. And I realized something: people just want to watch things that make them feel good, or at least not feel worse about everything.
I thought, “Why not pitch them some new show ideas?” So, I created a list of fresh, wholesome content ideas:
- **"Cooking with Kindness"**: A show where chefs not only prepare delicious meals but also compliment each other relentlessly. The drama comes from how much positivity one can handle.
- **"Grandma’s Got the Facts"**: A news segment where grandmothers explain current events without the dramatic music and fearmongering. Bonus points if they get sidetracked with stories about "the good old days."
- **"Cats Explain Economics"**: Because if we're going to talk nonsense, we might as well have cats in bowties doing it. The cats would just knock things over, and at the end, a title card would read, “And that’s inflation.”
Step 4: The Pitch Meeting
Shockingly, I was invited to an actual pitch meeting. Apparently, someone in the production office had spilled coffee on my email, and in the confusion, I was added to the schedule. I showed up with a PowerPoint presentation titled "Not Everything Has to Be on Fire." As I stood there in front of a table of skeptical producers, I began my pitch:
“Look, folks. I know your job is to make headlines grab attention, but what if instead of scaring people, we tried honesty? Authenticity is the new clickbait. Imagine a news segment where the anchor says, ‘Yeah, the economy is a bit messy, but here's a story about a dog that learned to skateboard.’"
There was silence. A few producers nodded slowly. One was playing Candy Crush. I pressed on. “Think about the possibilities! Instead of constant chaos, we could have segments where people do things right. You know, ‘Person Actually Recycles Plastic Correctly,’ ‘Local Man Mows His Lawn without Incident,’ or ‘Dog Walk Ends with Everyone Happy.’ Feel-good content is where it's at!”
One producer finally spoke up, “So...you’re suggesting we turn the news into a giant, feel-good therapy session?” I nodded enthusiastically. “Exactly! And maybe just a little less lying to the public, okay?”
Step 5: A Surprising Turn of Events
To my shock, they didn’t throw me out immediately. In fact, a few of them were intrigued by the idea. I left the meeting with a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, I had started to plant the seeds of change. And while my inbox remained silent for weeks, one day, I got an email from a producer.
“Hey, we’re not quite ready for ‘Cats Explain Economics,’ but we’re starting a new segment called ‘Good News Minute.’ Thanks for the nudge.”
I had done it. I had convinced someone in the media to dial back the apocalypse and focus on a bit of positivity. One small step for me, one giant leap for a world that could really use a break.
Conclusion: Changing the Media, One Awkward Email at a Time
So, if you’re tired of the constant barrage of doom and gloom, take a page out of my book. Find those TV producers on LinkedIn, send them a message that borders on lunacy, and see what happens. Maybe they’ll block you. Maybe they’ll call security. Or, just maybe, they’ll think, “Hey, this person’s got a point.”
Remember, we don’t have to sit back and let the media tell us that everything is terrible all the time. Sometimes, all it takes is a bold, slightly ridiculous effort to remind the world that there’s more to life than impending doom. So, here’s to a future where news is a little less hysterical and a little more honest. And if nothing else, maybe someday we’ll all be watching “Grandma’s Got the Facts” and thinking, “You know what? This is nice.”
